Red State Blue State

Sounding the Alarm

As though any further proof was needed that we live in a crazy, mixed-up world, I submit the following:

Miguel Cabrera has an alcohol problem but says he feels like a new man after a stint in rehab.

Kyle Farnsworth has somehow avoided resorting to alcoholism and even has a legitimate shot at becoming a starting pitcher.

I don't mean to sound the alarm too early but if these two events taken together aren't a sign of the apocalypse, I'm not sure what is.  Baseball: Drama as compelling off the field as on.

-A

When Is It Okay to Beat Your Wife?

Never.

Right?

Well...

Personally, I gotta be an advocate against domestic abuse of all kinds.  Wife.  Girlfriend.  Kids.  Whatevs... don't be beatin' people, dear readers!  That's my advice.

Of course, that's not how it works everywhere.  Take the Middle East, for example.  Now I am no expert on Islam, but I have seen Law & Order and I know that in some Islamic communities, it's pretty common practice for a man to beat his wife... to forbid she leave the house... to cover her entire body if she does.

In the west, I know that if you beat your wife and your name is Brett Myers you get to enjoy success as a Major League Baseball player and make at least $5 million a year.

I know that if you beat your wife and you play football, you might be Jim Brown and everyone will still say you were one of the greatest athletes to ever live.

But I also know that if you beat your wife and try to run for Lieutenant Governor in the state of Illinois, you BETTER THINK TWICE BUDDY!

And so it is that Scott Lee Cohen (D-Chicago) was recently forced to withdrawal from the Lt. Governor general election he earned a right to be in...  because he allegedly beat an ex-girlfriend.  And he probably beat his wife... though we can't say for sure. 

We can say for sure (probably) that, if nothing else, Cohen is a creep.  I have no problems jumping on that bruited bandwagon, folks.  But here is my question: Isn't Brett Myers a creep?  Isn't Jim Brown a creep?  Sugar Ray Leonard?  Dr. Dre?  Chris Brown?  Darryl Strawberry?  Moses Malone?  Dwight Gooden?!?!?!?!

Don't you see what I'm saying? 

Why is it okay to beat your wife and be a famous athlete or entertainer but it is definitely NOT okay to beat your wife and run for public office?

Believe me, no one knows nor cares (especially kids) who the Lt. Governor is.  Of any state.  No one cares.  Less than 20% of the population even voted in this election... so I assure you, no one cares.

But lots of people (again, especially kids) care about who is pitching for the Astros... or who the Sporting News considers to be the greatest professional football player of all time... or who made Eminem famous.

Like it or not, those are the people who influence your kids.  Those are the ones they look up to.  Those are the ones they emulate.

So good luck trying to explain to your kid why Cohen is an @s$ but Jim Brown is a god. 

This is why I don't have kids.

Well, that and I fail in making women happy long-term (short-term, no problem).

Don't hate me, 'cuz I"m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Dan "The Sac" Plesac on Darren Oliver = WIN

No, no, no.  Not on him, sicko.  I mean, Dan Plesac talking about Darren Oliver and his new job equals WIN (how's my hip internet lingo? pretty good? is this thing on?).

Dear readers galore already know that if I'm in front of a television, I'm in front of the MLB Network.  And after news broke of journeyman southpaw Darren Oliver signing with the Texas Rangers, the Network crew went to work on the analysis.

Most of the guys were scratching their heads at this move but nobody quite summed it up as adroitly as "The Sac":

"Darren Oliver... I like this move... is he a great starting pitcher?  No.  Is he a great reliever?  No.  But I like what they're doing..."

Thank you, Dan Plesac.

You... are... AWEsome.  Like, y'know, you're full of some awe. 

And I ain't kiddin'. 

Which just proves my longstanding point that you can take Darren Oliver out of the Texas Rangers, but ya can't take the Texas Ranger out of Darren Oliver.

And that is on the internets so it is fact.  Therefore, don't hate me.  'Cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

RSBS Postseason Awards Show: Part I

With Major League Baseball and various publications handing out their end of the season awards, RSBS has decided to follow suit. Sure, our prizes may not come with any financial reward and they may not trigger any clauses in the affected players' contracts. But, it is our civic duty. So, without further ado, we present Part I of our two part Postseason Awards Show. Allen, take it away.
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Most Thunderdome worthy:
Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui
Both Damon and Matsui have been integral parts in the Yankees' dynamo but with age and injuries taking a toll, one of them will most likely have to go. Obviously, the only fair way to settle the question is to have them fight it out in the Thunderdome. Granted, the one who dies will have a seriously decreased trade value but fair is fair.

Most Valuable Player for the Minnesota Twins:
Rosangel Cabrera
Yeah, you thought it was Joe Mauer but with the Tigers holding a tenuous lead in the AL Central at the end of the season, Miguel Cabrera and his wife, Rosangel, made the alcohol-lubricated sparks fly at home. The aftermath saw Cabrera flop against the White Sox and the Twins pull even before winning the Central.

Jeff's MDP (Most Dreamy Player):
Albert Pujols
I think we've already covered this one. I just hope this comes true for you one day, buddy. You and AP would make an adorable couple and I'd be honored to stand with you at the ceremony.

Most Transformative Player:
Brad Lidge
Transformations work in both directions and after going from Mitch Williams to Mariano Rivera to Eric Gagne in the space of three seasons, you have to wonder what Lidge will become next. If he ends up on the Tigers, I'll say Trevor Hoffman. But my head says it's the Canadian-American League.

Most Amazing RSBS Writer/Person:
Jeff Lung and Allen Krause (in a surprising tie)
We decided to leave this award to our respective mothers to decide. And neither one of them could be swayed to the other side. However, I can't tell you which one they each voted for so we'll just leave that to your imagination.

Tune in tomorrow as Jeff brings us Part II of the show. Rumor has it that several Cubs players may have been nominated. Stop by and see if they finally manage to win something.

Going Rogue? Or Going Crazy...

This Going Rogue business is mostly all about making money... right?

If that's the case, then great; I applaud thee, Sarah Palin.  Sell your book!  Make money!  It's the US American way!

Unfortunately, reason tells me that ex-Governor Palin has a hard time separating fantasy from reality -- that she is absolutely serious when she says she wants to play a major role in American politics -- that she isn't going away anytime soon.

While she remains silent on any possible presidential plans, one must assume that is the ultimate goal. 

And that is insane.

So too is her sheepish quip that she will run only "if people will have me."

Hmm.  Perhaps Madame Palin should start by asking the people of Alaska if they will have her after she abandoned them and her gubernatorial post midterm.  Or perhaps she should ask the people of Russia if they don't mind her looking at them from her living room.  Or perhaps she should just take the money this book and subsequent tour will generate and run, run, run... back into relative obscurity -- where she belongs.

We see this sort of thing in baseball all the time.  Players come from out of nowhere.  They shine.  They burn out.  They go away.  Some quicker than others. 

Mark Fidrych.  Pete Incaviglia.  Eric Gagne.

Remember, Sarah, remember.  Remember Eric Gagne  -- a man who spent last season with the Quebec Capitales of the independent Canadian-American League.  (Yeah, I've never heard of it either)  Here's a man who, at one time, was more than just unhittable.  He was mad, maniacal, morbid in his destruction of opposing hitters.  He recorded 84 consecutive saves for Christ's sake!  He was lights out!  He was the master of the universe!

Now, the Brewers don't even want him.

And that is sad.

Go away now, while you can, Mrs. Palin... go back to the wilderness while you still have some inkling of pride.  I will support you in that endeavor.

YOU BETCHA!

Hate me 'cuz I won't buy this book, just don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

Vicenteticus Padillicarpeus

While you and I spend our time wondering when the Phillies bullpen will next self destruct or why there aren't as many green M&Ms as there are brown, or how long it will take Glenn Beck to realize we're laughing at him, not with him, there are some people in the world (scientists and such as) who pass the time by making ground breaking discoveries, actually furthering the intellect of the human mind.

Move over Lucy.  Make way for Ardi.

That's right.  Australopithecus afarensis, an extinct hominid (most commonly known as Lucy), who was once thought to be our oldest common ancestor, now must take a backseat to the most recently proclaimed elder of bipedalism: Ardipithecus (or Ardi for short).

Like it or not, this is a big deal because Ardi is a million years older than Lucy!  Consider her the cougar of the archaeological bar scene.  And with her discovery, the entire evolutionary map of modern day humans and just exactly where we came from, how we evolved, what we once were, has been totally rewritten.

It is no longer safe to say we share a common ancestor with chimpanzees.  More likely than not, we came from Ardi and whoever (or whatever) came before her.  Her construction is rare, odd, striking: a bipedal creature with an opposable big toe; an animal that walks upright on land but acts as a quadruped in its arboreal environment, Ardi is the corner border in a 5 gazillion trillion piece puzzle that is the evolutionary road to modern day humans.

We're starting to know where we came from.

Yet the only plausible explanation science can come up with for where the ugly flop-sweat of a man known as Vicente Padilla came from is this thing from the Clash of the Titans:

Yep.  We've come a long way... just not long enough.

Hate me 'cuz I don't pull punches, just don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace

Jeff


**Special thanks to Jason Russell for the pic and assist. You can follow him on Twitter at @JasonrussellUT

For Your Consideration

As we look over the baseball season and all the stories that emerged, we also start putting the pieces together, trying to see what parts of the story are most important. This process often leads to discussions of who deserves which award and even when it's a clear-cut race, that doesn't mean that people won't still yell long and hard about who they think should win.

So let me jump into the fray early on and start campaigning for a couple of my choices.

Let's start with the American League where the manager of the year is obviously Jimmy Leyland. Despite the whole "losing the division his team led for five months on the last day of the regular season" thing, you have to admit that it's pretty impressive that he was even able to remain standing for 162 games. Seriously, his lungs are like little tar flavored prunes. If he's an organ donor, the only person who could use his lungs is a researcher at the Kingsford charcoal company trying to figure out how to pack even more carbon into every little bricquet.

And on the NL side there are many people who think that Albert Pujols should win the MVP award. And despite his team's ignominious crash out of the first round of the playoffs, the argument is a strong one. However, let me suggest another possibility. Rinku Singh. Ok, so he technically isn't really eligible since he didn't even play in the majors this season. But, think of this. In a nation of nearly 1.2 billion people, he is the first one of them to win a professional baseball game. That's one small step for a man but one giant leap for, uh, India, I guess. And as if that wasn't enough, he's also the only reason that most Americans even realize the Pirates still play baseball. Those are pretty strong credentials, my friends.

So as you start debating the relative merits of the possible winners of this years' awards, take a second and consider the RSBS inspired ticket of Leyland and Singh. They may not be winners in baseball but they sure are winners in life.

Happy Friday!

-A

The Filibuster

After a one year absence, the Yankees are back in the playoffs. Can we expect to see another big name big money fail from A-Rod and company again this year? Please say 'yes'.

Emily
Cape Girardeau, MO
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Yes.

Oh, you want me elaborate? Yes, Emily.

More than that? Man, you sure are demanding.

Here's how I see it. The Yankees are good. I mean, really good. After being manhandled by the Red Sox the last couple years, Jeter and company owned them the second half of this season. With the lineup they have at the plate and a ridiculous cast of pitchers, the pennant is theirs to lose.

But lose it they will. Somehow they always find a way. Remember the bug game with Joba Chamberlain in Cleveland a couple years ago? Or how about that epic fail against the Tigers in 2006? There's just something a little off about the Yankees. You can buy all the pieces but you can't buy the chemistry that brings it together. It's like owning a rebuilt Maserati, only it has been reassembled by Jeff.

Now Emily, I plan to address this whole question much more in depth later this week with the return of Allen's Post-Partisan Playoff Preview. And who knows, I may even change my mind. But, at this point in time, let me just say once again, that yes, the Yankees will fail and once again A-Rod will fail to deliver in the postseason. You heard it here first.

-A

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at kraulung@gmail.com. 

***Superior cornbread recipes also welcome.

Hiney Bird Swap: A Tale of Two Teams & their Switcheroo

"A hiney bird is a bird that flies in perfectly executed concentric circles until eventually he flies up his own behind and disappears forever."
-- Ken "Hawk" Harrelson

Prior to the 2009 season, one would not be in error by labeling me a bonafide St. Louis Cardinal Hiney Bird.  Having not really addressed our bullpen woes of 2008, I seriously didn't think the Redbirds had a chance at achieving anything this season. 

Obviously, I was wrong.  And I've apologized for that.

I did, however, look forward to an exciting new edition of my neighborhood Chicago White Sox.  And, yes folks, it does happen (albeit rarely): I was wrong... again. 

Whoops!

But I have to go out on a limb and defend Kenny Williams from Chicago Tribune reporter Phil Rogers who blamed much of the White Sox's 2009 downfall on the trades of Nick Swisher and Javier Vazquez.

To quote the Hawk: "That's just B.S.! B.S.! That's just B.S.!"

Nick Swisher's 2008 stint with the Sox was abysmal at best.  He underachieved in every category except rambunctiousness per game.  He was a shackle on the Sox's youth movement and rumor had it that he was more interested in picking up chicks in the Viagra Triangle than he was picking up runners in scoring position.

Javi Vazquez never looked comfortable in the Chi.  Sure he'd get ya lots of strikeouts, but he also gave up a bunch of runs; and with Gavin Floyd and John Danks on the horizon of being dominating starters, it made sense to move Javi (and his paycheck) to make more room. 

But sometimes things don't always work out (see Sarah Palin's "political" career).  The '09 White Sox have wallowed in mediocrity while the Cardinals are set to win the NL Central Division crown.

You see, dear readers, baseball is so captivating, so riveting, so followable because there is no such thing as a sure thing.  So to all you Hiney Birds (me included) here's a lesson from possibly the world's worst broadcaster:



Don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

Lidge in a Historical Context

I have made apologies for Brad Lidge in the past. This is not to say that I am an apologist but rather that I thought the guy deserved a little respect after what he did last year. And maybe he still does. But after blowing his 11th save of the season last night, he no longer gets that free pass from me.

Here's the problem. Last year, as we all know, he was a perfect 100% in save opportunities. This year, he's a little south of 75%. Now, .750 would be a great batting average and it wouldn't even be a terrible completion percentage for a quarterback. But, at this point in the season, the Brad Lidge experiment (which is a great name for a band, by the way) is a miserable failure and the Phillies had better figure out what they're doing before Lidge blows it for them in the playoffs.

However, I think I can demonstrate this much more convincingly by comparing it to other famous choices and showing what might have happened if they had followed the current Lidge tinged route.

Neville Chamberlain's War-Time Prime Minister-ship:

When it turns out that Chamberlain is just a little bit off on the whole Hitler as a threat thing despite seizing Poland and annexing the Sudeten-land, the British decide to give him one more chance. As rockets rain down on London, he bravely stands up and proclaims once more, "C'mon guys, Hitler isn't really trying to invade Britain. He just has to make a good show of it." On the bright side, Oktoberfest in London becomes a world-renowned tradition.

Jimmy Carter's Historic Second Term:

Although the rescue of the hostages in Iran doesn't quite go as planned and despite the oil crisis, America just can't enough of the Georgia peanut farmer and they send would-be president, Ronald Reagan, back to California to star in a sequel to Bedtime for Bonzo. Carter repays their faith with his famous speech in West Berlin where he kindly asks the Russians to "Please stop being so mean and if it wouldn't be too much trouble, how about we slowly dismantle this wall." He then returns home, considers invading Grenada but instead decides to  kill them with kindness, sending thousands of jars of Georgia's finest peanut butter.

George W. Bush's Re-Election in 2004:

Despite using the pretense of a just war to entangle the US in a war of choice in Iraq and blowing the possibility of paying down the debt with the newly balanced budget handed him by former President Clinton and instead cutting taxes on the wealthy, American go to the polls in November of 2004 and send Mr. Bush back to the White House. He returns the favor by further relaxing regulations and sending Americans to the poorhouse in record numbers during the greatest economic downturn since the Great Depression.

Wait a minute, what? That really happened? I was sure it was just a bad dream. Hm, guess that means that whoever faces Philly in the first round has hope after all.

-A